The worst email you'll ever read

We all get them. The unsolicited junk/spam email from someone trying to sell us something or make our lives better. They often sound awkward, desperate and, frankly, all the same.

And they’ve inspired us!

We put together our own email–just made it up–that sounds just like those. And we’ve included a handy key at the end to show what some of their phrasing really means.

[Subject]

Re:1 Is your tech provider as good as you need it to be?

[Email body]

Hello, Mr. (last name)! (Can I call you Ben?)²

It seems like you’ve been busy, since my last 49 emails may have missed you.³ But like they say, the 50th time is the charm!

I was reading up on akhia communications.⁴ akhia sounds like acai, which is healthy.⁵

What’s also healthy is getting the best return on your tech investment.⁶

For a communications firm such as yourself and the role you play in fiberoptics,⁷ you play a most crucial role in making this world a joyful place for every living thing forever and ever.⁸

Having the best remote tech support is crucial to keep your business running. That’s where we can help.⁹

We’ve been supplying tech services to some of the world’s top 100,000 companies. Companies “like” Intel, Pepsi,10 and actual companies like Dunder Mifflin and Four Seasons Lawncare.¹¹

What’s our secret? A commitment to excellence that drives our success.¹²

As Bon Jovi said, “Whoa oh, we’re halfway there.”¹³

And we’re halfway to you. Literally. I’m on the road now and will be at your office in 45 minutes.¹⁴

We’d love to talk about you and your tech needs. We’re so sure you’ll like what we have to offer that we will offer a 20% initial discount, or if that’s not enough, I’ll cut off my right arm and you can beat me with it.15 Because we’re all about customer service.

“Acai” you later!16 There’s no escape.¹⁷

Tom Cerrano
IT Happens Tech Solutions
PO Box 1421¹⁸
ITHappens¹⁹

Key to translating what’s in here:

Clever use of “re:” to imply this email correspondence has been going on awhile and you were actually a part of it.
Thirsty Part 1, trying to become friends right from the start.
Thirsty Part 2, stalking is legal if it’s in the form of a cold call email apparently.
“I know how to use Google.”
Clunky connection.
Forced transition that makes things awkward for everyone involved. The clunky connection now makes sense. It was a setup to something else!
Proof they don’t know what we do. Maybe they’re not as good at Google as they thought.
Really playing us up. If we wanted to be this flattered, we’d stand under a falling piano.
Time to sound professional. ABC time, Glengarry.
Hoping you just skim this and don’t actually check!
The real clients.
A vapid value statement that may have been written by ChatGPT Version 0.001.
Weird setup for another transition, obviously, while trying to sound pop culture relevant.
Run.
Thirsty Part 3, 20% off isn’t really a bad deal.
Pun. Actually, that’s not too bad.
Seriously, run.
Oh, this is not a real company with any sort of office. But they did attend a seminar on IT technology at a Sheraton once.
Insufficient website that tells you nothing.

Ok, ok. Is it that bad?

Well. Yeah. Kinda? Have you read some of these emails, promising everything from Amazon gift cards to steak dinners? These emails are on the border of creepy and insulting. And there’s no end in sight.

So, email is dead, right?

Nope. It is still a strong tool – and one you can use to ‘sidestep’ AI (for now) and connect with your customers and contacts in a meaningful way. But it’s not a guessing game. And there is a right and wrong way to do it. If you’re not getting the results you want, we should talk about ways to cut through this type of clutter.

Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we did writing it. Don’t worry – if you missed it, we’ll email it to you…

In need of creative ways to help your sales or marketing emails break through the clutter (without the use of Bon Jovi quotes)? Contact me at michael.lawrence@akhia.com.